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Golden Prods and Organism Waves: An infomercial script

shanghaiinfomercial.jpgThe folks at Gridskipper, and others, enjoyed my post about my first infomercial shoot (up until the point when my payment got stolen, I assume). So, I figured I’d provide you with what I know you are all craving: MORE DR. JAMES. Below you will find all of my “lines” from the infomercial in the form they were originally given to me — and you will see why Johnson, Bliss and I reworked the lines to a point where they kind of made sense. I actually had my first two lines — the long ones — memorized, but none of this mattered. Since the entire infomericial will be dubbed in Chinese, what was coming from the mouths of the “talent” mattered not — they just wanted the impression that this infomerical was taking place somewhere in, say, Burbank, California. I’d get about 30 percent through one of my lines and the director would yell, “Cut! Print!” I had filled the allotted time with my white man mouth movements and it was time to move on. After my first two lines, we just bullshitted our way through the rest, making fun of the product, the director and this odd chapter in our lives. No one was the wiser — or, more likely, they just didn’t care. In fact, one of the girls in the infomercial was from Argentina, and she did all of her lines in Spanish.

So, here they are: The lines for Dr. James, the unshaven inventor or 发明者 or fa ming zhe of the low-powered stun gun known as “Dolly” (or “Doli,” as it is called in the script):

照片放大后 就能找到答案,使用多丽的半个脸,皮肤更紧绷;额头、眉心、嘴角的15条皱纹,9条彻底消失、6条显著变淡;浮肿的脸型变得瘦美!所以看上去琼斯太太整整年轻了20岁!
After zoom in the photo, the answer can be found!
Using doli, you can find it keeps the skin of half face tense! Originally there are 15 wrinkles from brow, corners of mouth and between eyebrows, now 9 of which are disappear, others become less deeper, the puffy face is changed! So that’s why Mrs. Johns look younger more than 20 years old!

〈每个人都有自己的频谱信息〉,多丽高科技钛金触头瞬间感知 的频谱信息。内置智能芯片设定并发送适合 的生物波,带动面部肌肉进行有氧运动,通过运动唤醒肌肉活力,增 皮脂等营养物质的供给,由内而外彻底解决松弛、皱纹、浮肿、双下巴、眼袋等面部问题。
Everyone has his own spectrum. Hi tech ti –golden prods of Doli immediately accept the signals. Internal intelligent chip setups suitable organism wave, promote facial musicales aerobics, invoke the muscle energy, and add the skin oil such kind of nutrition. Therefore it thoroughly solve the facial problem like baggy loose skin, wrinkle, puffiness, double chin and pouches

女人25岁后,面部肌肉开始衰老,肌肉衰老导致皮脂分泌减少,营养物质流失,肌肤变得敏感脆弱,面部问题就会相继出现!
After 25, the facial muscle grows old which leads to the drain of nutrition and The skin become sensitive

面部肌肉衰老是面部皮肤问题的 源!
It’s the old muscle that cause the problem!

如何锻炼身体的肌肉?
How do you do exercise the muscle?

没错!锻炼肌肉的方法,只有运动!脸部肌肉容易下垂,正是 为缺乏运动!
Absolutely! It’s only the sport to exercise the muscle! It’s short of exercise that cause drooping facial muscle!

运动能促进身体的新陈代谢和微循环,唤醒肌肉细胞活力,从而保持身体的年轻!
Sports can promote the Metabolism and micro loop. invoke the muscle energy, to keep youth!

同 保持脸部年轻的秘密也只有一个——运动肌肉!
Also the secrete of keeping the facial youth is muscle exercise

运动面部肌肉可以让皮肤变得紧实,使松弛的脸逐步回复年轻,面部问题迎刃而解!
Doing exercise for facial muscle can let skin tense,and let the loosing face recover step by step. The problem is solved!

是的!这就是多丽立竿见影的证明!
Yeah, it proves Doli

多丽高科技钛金触头感知 的频谱信息。内置智能芯片设定并发送适合 的生物波,带动面部肌肉进行有氧运动,彻底解决松弛、皱纹、浮肿、双下巴、眼袋等面部问题。
Hi tech ti –golden prods of Doli immediately accept the signals. Internal intelligent chip setups suitable organism wave, promote facial musicales aerobics. Thoroughly solve the facial problem like baggy loose skin, wrinkle, puffiness, double chin and pouches

就这么简单!而且它独有10档强度,轻松对付所有面部问题!
Simple! Also it has different 10 strength, easy to solve all the facial problem

护肤品不能到达真皮层和肌肉组织,更不能彻底紧肤祛皱;
The skin care cosmetic can’t reach under the skin and muscle, and it also can’t tighten the skin.

肉毒 是巨毒,很容易引起面部变形!而且只能维持三个月。
botulism is a kind of toxin, it’s easy to cause deformation and it only retain for 3 months

拉皮手术,可能引起面部神经损伤甚至危及生命!
Face-lift might destroy the nerve even to endanger the life

Also see:
Unzipped: Doing my part to end poverty in China
Photos from my first infomercial (Flickr)
On Golden Prods (Gridskipper)

10.17.2005, 8:33 AM · Humor, Observations, Television

6 Comments


  1. IKEA sofas i belive…


  2. “It’s the old muscle that cause the problem!”

    I am soooo close to getting that put on a t-shirt….

    Maybe just below a picture of Hugh Hefner.


  3. Fortunately…….. I am always skeptical about Infomercials.


  4. Just stopping by…Always a pleasure…GREAT PICS!!

    L


  5. You should be proud of your first informercial. BTW, you look hot :) I’d certainly buy a drill from ya.

    paul


  6. I smell a Cleo award. Work it!

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Shanghai Diaries is a website about Shanghai, China ... and lots of other stuff. Voted Best Mainland China Blog in the 2004 Asia Blog Awards.

Editor: Dan Washburn

Related: Shanghaiist and Mudan Boutique

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