“Here’s to China” Johnnie Walker TV ad
When the director said “We need to see a Caucasian more prominently,” that was my ticket to stardom. Don’t blink near the end.
Filmed on a frigid December evening on the outdoor deck at Attica on the Bund.
03.13.2007, 9:04 PM · Television, Video · Comments (2)
Golden Prods and Organism Waves: An infomercial script
The folks at Gridskipper, and others, enjoyed my post about my first infomercial shoot (up until the point when my payment got stolen, I assume). So, I figured I’d provide you with what I know you are all craving: MORE DR. JAMES. Below you will find all of my “lines” from the infomercial in the form they were originally given to me — and you will see why Johnson, Bliss and I reworked the lines to a point where they kind of made sense. I actually had my first two lines — the long ones — memorized, but none of this mattered. Since the entire infomericial will be dubbed in Chinese, what was coming from the mouths of the “talent” mattered not — they just wanted the impression that this infomerical was taking place somewhere in, say, Burbank, California. I’d get about 30 percent through one of my lines and the director would yell, “Cut! Print!” I had filled the allotted time with my white man mouth movements and it was time to move on. After my first two lines, we just bullshitted our way through the rest, making fun of the product, the director and this odd chapter in our lives. No one was the wiser — or, more likely, they just didn’t care. In fact, one of the girls in the infomercial was from Argentina, and she did all of her lines in Spanish.
So, here they are: The lines for Dr. James, the unshaven inventor or 发明者 or fa ming zhe of the low-powered stun gun known as “Dolly” (or “Doli,” as it is called in the script):
照片放大后 就能找到答案，使用多丽的半个脸，皮肤更紧绷；额头、眉心、嘴角的15条皱纹，9条彻底消失、6条显著变淡；浮肿的脸型变得瘦美！所以看上去琼斯太太整整年轻了20岁！
After zoom in the photo, the answer can be found!
Using doli, you can find it keeps the skin of half face tense! Originally there are 15 wrinkles from brow, corners of mouth and between eyebrows, now 9 of which are disappear, others become less deeper, the puffy face is changed! So that’s why Mrs. Johns look younger more than 20 years old!
10.17.2005, 8:33 AM · Humor, Observations, Television · Comments (6)
This National Day holiday I …
- … flew south to Fujian Province with Bliss — whose ancestors are from Fujian — and her friend Emily, who is visiting from Seattle. My photos from the four-day trip can be found at Flickr. (They can also be found in the Shanghai Diaries photo gallery — I spent a good chunk of yesterday making sure that section of the site was up to date — but, really, I suggest you view the photos on Flickr. Better. Easier. We should be making a total switch to Flickr with the coming redesign of the site.)
- … got a little bit wet thanks to Typhoon Longwang. But was happy to have avoided the flood of people that hit Shanghai. Ri-f*cking-diculous.
- … missed out on the hot springs at Xiamen’s Riyuegu Resort (thanks to the typhoon), but settled for a private room at The Retreat, where I got an hour-long massage, soaked in a hot tub treated with aromatherapy oils … and got my ears cleaned.
- … became an uncle, again.
- … rediscovered the fact that I actually do like Chinese food. Quite a bit.
- … got lost on Gulangyu Island … again.
- … repeatedly bombarded Andrea with questions about what to do/where to go/how to get there in Xiamen. Felt kind of bad, but she is the editor of What’s On Xiamen. Andrea always kindly obliged. I gave her a Shanghaiist t-shirt for her troubles — nothing says “thank you” like a little shameless self-promotion!
- … took a great day-trip into Fujian’s rural Nanjing Province to soak in a little Hakka culture. Was amazed at the size of their tu lou earthen roundhouses. (If you are traveling to Xiamen, I highly recommend a travel agent named Apple. She speaks English and can be emailed at lemon60606(@)hotmail.com.)
- … bought one of these hats for 5 kuai.
- … bought this painting from my friends at oceansbridge.com headquarters in Xiamen.
- … went to a masseuse/chiropractor in Xiamen recommended by Andrea. A burly man, he was unable to crack my back. Is this a good or bad sign?
- … was unable to fit a Blue Frog “Montana Burger” into my mouth.
- … met with a Singapore-based book editor about my book proposal … and received a couple more rejections from the US (news I’m sure Billy Baldwin is very happy to hear).
- … discovered a great new sandwich shop in Shanghai. Very cheap, and near my apartment, too. It’s called Nangka Cafe.
- … listened to Chad Van Gaalen’s great new album again and again and again.
- … confirmed that the pork ribs at Di Shui Dong are among my favorite dishes available at local restaurants.
- … likely gained a few pounds.
- … found out that there is a very good chance I will be playing the role of Santa Claus in an upcoming Chinese Pizza Hut commercial.
- … tried to convince friends and family that China’s new tightened control of the internet likely won’t affect me. Am I being naive?
- … started viewing season two of Lost and still can’t figure out why it won the Emmy for best drama … or why I can’t seem to stop watching it.
- … watched England qualify for the World Cup and realized that my illegal satellite hook-up is better than the one at the Big Bamboo.
- … spent one morning watching the Yankees lose, one watching them win and today woke up at 4 am to discover their game had been rained out.
- … wondered whether American celebrities will hold telethons for the victims of Pakistan’s awful earthquake, the same way they did for tsunamis and hurricanes this year.
10.09.2005, 4:53 PM · Bars, Culture, Diary, Food, Music, Observations, Photos, Sports, Television, Travel · Comments (2)
IBM’s moronic new ad about China
If you live in a America and you have watched any television in the last couple weeks, you have likely seen some of IBM’s “help desk” commercials, the company’s attempt to, as Reuters phrases it, “put a human face on the services it offers.” In IBM’s whitewashed parallel cyber-universe, friendly, soft-spoken people sit behind desks waiting to help real people solve their real-people problems. “We wanted to show that we’re not just talking about technology for technology’s sake … but things that affect not only business but the world and society at large,” said Deirdre Bigley, IBM’s vice president of worldwide advertising.
Unfortunately, one of the ads — produced by Ogilvy & Mather — shows IBM to have a rather myopic view of the world at large, especially China. This is a common problem in corporate America, blinded by the supposed gold in them thar Chinese hills. The 30-second spot does not bode well for IBM’s future in the “world’s fastest-growing economy.” Nope, the “Big Blue” just doesn’t get China at all, it seems. Interesting for a company whose computer business was just taken over by Lenovo — a Chinese company.
01.24.2005, 2:35 PM · Business, Television, Video · Comments (18)
america in decline: first the war, now the mullet?
if jimmy fallon’s hair is a barometer for america’s screw-everybody-else attitude — and i think we all know that it is — then we’re in a heap of trouble. because fallon, for some ungodly reason, has chosen to sport … gasp … a mullet.
01.27.2004, 10:05 PM · Television · Comments (3)
lost in translation
click here if you would like to see the shanghai diaries translated into chinese, korean, japanese, italian, german, french, spanish — hell, even portuguese. someone is trying to sell me this service … but i’m not buying. have a feeling there would be lots of “super karate monkey death car”-type stuff in there.
don’t get that reference? well, you need to watch more newsradio, one of the best television shows — ever.
10.13.2003, 1:07 AM · Site News, Television
dc talk
but that’s not what i’m writing to tell you about. i’m writing to tell you to look at the 39 photos i uploaded from my recent visit to my nation’s capital. click here and you will see:
07.18.2003, 4:09 PM · Photos, Summer Tour 2003, Television
