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Golden Prods and Organism Waves: An infomercial script

shanghaiinfomercial.jpgThe folks at Gridskipper, and others, enjoyed my post about my first infomercial shoot (up until the point when my payment got stolen, I assume). So, I figured I’d provide you with what I know you are all craving: MORE DR. JAMES. Below you will find all of my “lines” from the infomercial in the form they were originally given to me — and you will see why Johnson, Bliss and I reworked the lines to a point where they kind of made sense. I actually had my first two lines — the long ones — memorized, but none of this mattered. Since the entire infomericial will be dubbed in Chinese, what was coming from the mouths of the “talent” mattered not — they just wanted the impression that this infomerical was taking place somewhere in, say, Burbank, California. I’d get about 30 percent through one of my lines and the director would yell, “Cut! Print!” I had filled the allotted time with my white man mouth movements and it was time to move on. After my first two lines, we just bullshitted our way through the rest, making fun of the product, the director and this odd chapter in our lives. No one was the wiser — or, more likely, they just didn’t care. In fact, one of the girls in the infomercial was from Argentina, and she did all of her lines in Spanish.

So, here they are: The lines for Dr. James, the unshaven inventor or 发明者 or fa ming zhe of the low-powered stun gun known as “Dolly” (or “Doli,” as it is called in the script):

照片放大后 就能找到答案，使用多丽的半个脸，皮肤更紧绷；额头、眉心、嘴角的15条皱纹，9条彻底消失、6条显著变淡；浮肿的脸型变得瘦美！所以看上去琼斯太太整整年轻了20岁！
After zoom in the photo, the answer can be found!
Using doli, you can find it keeps the skin of half face tense! Originally there are 15 wrinkles from brow, corners of mouth and between eyebrows, now 9 of which are disappear, others become less deeper, the puffy face is changed! So that’s why Mrs. Johns look younger more than 20 years old!

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10.17.2005, 8:33 AM · Humor, Observations, Television · Comments (6)

This National Day holiday I …

hakkaroundhousesfujian.jpg

10.09.2005, 4:53 PM · Bars, Culture, Diary, Food, Music, Observations, Photos, Sports, Television, Travel · Comments (2)

Unzipped: Doing my part to end poverty in China

myfirstinfomercial2.jpgI starred in my first infomercial yesterday. (Photos from the shoot)

I’m very proud of this.

Actually, no I’m not.

The advertisement was for a electric device that exercises your facial muscles by using “hi tech ti-golden prods” and an “internal intelligent chip” that emits “organism waves” and causes “facial musicales aerobics.”

I saw people using it. It looked dangerous.

I played the device’s inventor, Dr. James.

It was a funny day. And I took many notes. I kept the notepad in a zippered pocket of my backpack.

I also got paid 3,500 RMB. In cash, of course. Not bad for a day’s work. It wouldn’t fit in my wallet, so I placed it in the pocket with my notepad and my iPod and zipped it up. I would be taking a taxi home.

The filming was in an empty office building in Pudong. Pudong seems to have a lot of empty office buildings.

My taxi driver couldn’t go to Puxi. Traffic had been halted, during rush hour, on the Friday before one of the biggest Chinese holidays of the year. That makes sense.

So he dropped me off at the nearest subway station. I was wearing a tie. I never wear ties. Some of the cars were packed, but I walked to the front, where it was pretty empty.

People’s Square station was not empty. It was the opposite of empty. And people got pretty bunched up while I was transferring from Line 2 to LIne 1.

That’s probably when someone stole my money. All 3,500 of it.

And my notepad.

But not my iPod.

I said bad words when I discovered this.

Several of them.

Loudly.

My stomach tightened.

And I started to sweat.

Why did you steal my fucking notepad!

I met Johnson and Matthew Bell for much-needed drink. Johnson told me I never should have had my money in my backpack.

Thank you, Johnson.

I told them that it was ironic that I held my new phone in my hand, because I didn’t want to to get stolen.

“You could have bought two new phones with the money in the bag!” Johnson pointed out.

Thanks again.

None of this would have happened if my taxi could have made the trip to Puxi. And he couldn’t make the trip because of National Day.

So, I blame Mao.

Of course, maybe I should have read this more closely.

Perhaps this is my punishment for being a bad blogger recently. And I’m sorry for that. I’ve been very busy. With some projects you are aware of. And some that you aren’t. I plan to pay more attention to this website very soon. Some big changes are in store. I promise.

It is my National Day resolution.

But it will have to wait until after my trip to Xiamen, which begins in a few hours. I’ll get back on Wednesday.

Right now, I need to go shave. The director of the infomercial wanted me to be unshaven.

He said it made me look like a “power man.”

And we all know pickpockets love those.

10.01.2005, 3:05 PM · Featured, Observations · Comments (9)

I am the Johnny Drama of blogging

And so are 289 other people

kevindillonjohnnydrama.jpgYep, I’m a B-list blogger, which means I might get invited to the major Bloggywood parties — but only because my younger more attractive brother happens to be an A-lister, a rising star in the cutthroat world of blogging celebrity. And if a hot blogger groupie flirts with me, it’s because she wants to get into my brother’s pants, not mine. Every now and again I’ll score a part in a Movie of the Week (read: Boing Boing link) but I’m always one f*ck-up away from the online equivalent of reality television (which I guess would be this.) Maybe I’ll get “spotted” when I go out, mostly by guys — no, always by guys … most of them drunk — some of whom might buy me a shot of Sambuca. (Thanks, Pat!) But, mostly, hardly anybody knows who the hell I am. I’m a B-list blogger for chrissakes. And if people think they do know me, they often get it wrong. Way wrong (or, at least, that is the story I’m sticking to). Take this Shanghai forum poster, for example:

After a quick look I concluded I somehow do not fit in this site’s target audience. By the way who is this Dan Washburn guy? I heard this name before. Is he the CEO of a major automaker in China who got fired for massive fraud (I know the story was release to the media in a different way)?

If you haven’t seen the excellent HBO series Entourage, much of this post likely made little sense to you. But really, why haven’t you seen Entourage? And no, living in China is not a good excuse.

Related:
B-List Zen

08.25.2005, 11:44 PM · Internet, Observations · Comments (4)

This post is not suitable for all audiences

chinesemaninflatablewoman.jpgYou haven’t truly “done Shanghai” until you’ve watched a frail 80-something-year-old Chinese man lean on his cane and inspect the brown-skinned selection of CyberHUSTLERs — a “throbbing, vibrating Cyberskin vagina and anus” — at the China International Adult Toys and Reproductive Health Exhibition at the Shanghai International Exhibition Center in Hongqiao. Because it felt like something that had to be done, I headed to the Sex Expo on Sunday, the final day of its three-day run in Shanghai. The convention was starting to wind down, and some booths had already been vacated, but I still had enough time to peruse what I assume to be the usual assortment of rubber body parts, pills, lingerie, whips, chains and frightening inflatable females. And really, once you’ve seen one She Shell Mini Clit Climaxer, Vibrating Anal Probe or Cock Cage with a Tickler Top, you’ve seen them all.

As expected, there were plenty of amusing signs and packages, like the naughty candy maker promoting its “forever lickable forms, the peckers and the nipples” and the woman on the cover of a Vibrating Vagina box who pleads, “Intromit me!!!”

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08.03.2005, 7:25 PM · Observations, Photos, Video

I knew I should have worn my Testaverde jersey

shanghaihiphop.jpgI was going to write something here about how I don’t get the whole Chinese hip-hop thing, how it’s a rather unoriginal way for Chinese youth to express their individuality, how it would be nice to see these kids clinging to something more Chinese, something that could grow in China organically, the way rap did in America in the 1970s. I was going to write all that — but then I realized to do so would be stupid and hypocritical. These kids have just as much right to their rap music — maybe more — as little white Danny Washburn did in lily-white Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania in the 1980s. And I listened to rap music. Lots of it. I hooked up my stereo to a TV cable and was able to get Power 99-FM from Philadelphia. So I knew about all the new rap and R&B before even the guys at the record store on Main Street. It made me feel special. I liked being different. Eric B and Rakim were some cool motherf**kers, and because Follow The Leader occupied my Walkman, so was I. What’s more absurd: And honor student in rural Pennsylvania listening to gangsta rap or city kids in China flashing gang signs for photos?

The kids I saw last night at the Shanghai Hiphop II Party at Club Fusion had the style down, alright. In fact, it looked as though the event was cosponsored by Champs Sports and IcedOutGear.com. (Actually, it was cosponsored by ShanghaiNing.com and Sony-BMG, which helped release the Shanghai Rap CD that Friday’s partygoers got for free.) Where can you get cool retro NBA jerseys in huge sizes in Shanghai? Ask this guy. And if you’re a Christian in need of some bling, this guy might be able to point you in the right direction. And what of the music? Hard to say. I couldn’t understand any of the lyrics, save for the odd “baby girl,” “check it,” “murder” or “word up.” Actually, most people in China wouldn’t have been able to understand the lyrics. They were in Shanghainese, which is cool, because the dialect is at risk — fewer and fewer young Shanghainese are learning it. The beats, however, were universal — and, often, very tired and familiar. The only thing original about the music was the language. But give these guys some time. It’s early yet. And hey, Shanghainese rap is already less annoying than Vanilla Ice.

Links:
42 of my photots from Friday night on Flickr
All Flickr photos tagged “shanghaihiphop”
My videos from the show on YouTube (Direct links to the three clips: Bamboo Crew, Super Rap Crew, Super Rap Crew slows it down)
Shanghai Rap page on ShanghaiNing.com, with downloadable songs
Shanghai blogger Josh reviews Shanghainese rap songs

More at Shanghaiist.

07.30.2005, 9:01 PM · Audio, Music, Observations, Photos, Video · Comments (3)

And then the man climbed out my window

I heard a noise the other day as I worked on my computer. It came from over near my window. I looked and saw a man outside. This startled me — I live on the 13th floor.

The man was dangling from some kind of rudimentary window washer’s apparatus and appeared to be interested in the tube attached to our wall-mounted air conditioning unit. The tube, from which condensation drips, hangs out our window. (Actually, as you can see in this photo, the tube along with a bundle of wires from the AC are bound together and forced through a hole that was rather hastily cut through one of our windows. It’s “sealed” with masking tape — no wonder our apartment is frigid in the winter — and looks really nice. Ah, Chinese craftsmenship.)

Soon, the man outside my window disappeared from view. A couple hours later, however, he was ringing my doorbell. He looked rather young and wore a blue work suit and carried a bundle of new plastic tubing. I led him to my office and he went to work. He was very friendly, and asked if I had any newspaper he could lay down on the shelves beneath my window because he didn’t want to get them dirty. I gave him some newspaper, and he still made the area dirty. But it’s the thought that counts.

I had no idea who asked this guy to do the job he was doing. I wondered if it had anything to do with the old ladies who woke me up rather rudely at 7 a.m. one Saturday morning — the Chinese never ring a doorbell just once, or even twice, it’s again and again and again until you arrive at the door. They lived downstairs and wanted to ask me if I had a habit of throwing water out my window.

I let this guy do his work, assuming it would be quick and that he could do what needed to be done by simply reaching outside the window. I glanced over at him and the wide open window and wondered if he was small enough to fall right out. I started to get a little nervous.

And then the man climbed out the window — and we don’t have a balcony, either. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He straddled the air conditioner, betting his life on the fact that another worker he didn’t know had done his job properly and fastened the unit securely some indefinite number of years ago. This is never a safe bet in China.

He obviously had done this before and showed no signs of fear. But just watching him, my stomach tightened. I started to sweat. It was as though I was out on that ledge. I was rather worried — but not too worried to forget about my digital camera sitting nearby. Here’s a Flickr set of the whole ordeal, with captions and everything.

I told a Shanghainese friend what had happened, and he wasn’t surprised at all. “Those guys die all the time doing that,” he said. I asked how much he thought this guy got paid to risk his life like that.

His answer? Less than 120 bucks a month.

06.18.2005, 12:37 PM · Observations · Comments (8)

Jackie Chan: Take our women … please!

I wrote this for Shanghaiist, but since we’re not live yet over there, I figured I’d post it here, too.

jackie chan.jpgIf you are a foreign man on the prowl for a Shanghainese bride, we’ve got good news for you: kung fu star Jackie Chan isn’t going to stand in your way. In fact, if you send him your contact info — and a photo, we assume — he might even hook you up himself. It’s all part of his diabolical plan to dropkick the globe with Chinese culture. (His attempt to accomplish this through mediocre movies has apparently failed.) Global wire services are running stories based on comments Chan made during the Shanghai International Film Festival. This is from the AP:

“We can encourage more foreigners to marry Shanghai ladies so their children will be able to speak Chinese,” Chan said at the Shanghai International Film Festival, the South China Morning Post reported on its front page.

“It will help spread Chinese culture far and wide,” he reportedly said.

The paper reported that Chan didn’t say why his proposal singled out Shanghai women, and he offered no suggestions about how to implement his plan.

While we’re not sure if a single comment made at a film festival constitues an offical “plan,” Chan’s statement did strike us as a bit odd. And we’re not sure who will be offended most: foreigners, Chinese or women in general. At least Chan doesn’t come off quite as bad as Russian nationalist Vladimir Zhirinovsky, who recently drafted a bill that would write into law severe penalties for Russian girls or women who “unpatriotically” choose to marry a foreigner.

What men does Zhirinovsky fear the most? Why Chinese men, of course. This is from Scotland’s Sunday Herald: “He sees the biggest threat coming from Chinese men, many of whom have settled in Russia’s far east with Russian brides who appreciate the fact that their foreign husbands tend not to drink alcohol. ‘If we don’t react now, in 50 or 100 years, the Chinese and the other Asian nations will be masters in our house and the Russians will become service staff.’”

The horror.

06.17.2005, 1:46 PM · Observations

Cleaning out the attic

And other things I did instead of updating this website during the past few weeks

* Ate barbecue in New York City with Tony, Shanghai native, avid reader of this website and donor to The Trip fund.
* Learned at the SoHo Apple Store that my recent hard drive crash could have been caused by using Poisoned, a file sharing application similar to Limewire. “What about BitTorrent applications?” I asked simply out of curiosity. “Any problems with those?” “We haven’t seen any technical issues with BitTorrent,” my Genius replied. “Only karma issues.” Ouch.
* Attended a charity auction in which someone seated at my table spent around $4,000 for the chance to appear in an episode of Without a Trace. That was minutes after the same guy spent around the same amount of money for Yankees tickets and a baseball autographed by Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and Randy Johnson. I thought about bidding on that — and then I remembered that I am a 31-year-old with a four-figure salary.
* Met David, designer of this site’s logo. (Proof)
* Walked past Bob Balaban near Union Square.
* Ate a curiously large slice of pizza in Washington, D.C.
* Attended a Washington Nationals game and wondered why the hell, almost four years after September 11, 2001, we still sing “God Bless America” during the seventh inning stretch.
* Ordered barbecue through bullet proof glass.

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06.04.2005, 3:56 PM · Observations, Travel · Comments (1)

I am very, very juicy. (Wait — I mean sleepy.)

juicy.jpgSo this trip to the U.S. that I only took because I had a ticket I had already paid for may end up costing me around $800. That’s for a one-way ticket. Fun. Here’s the scoop: At the Pudong airport, I was flagged for not having a paper ticket. Now, I knew something like this might happen. I used the first half of the round-trip ticket way back in May 2004. The return flight was originally supposed to be six months later in November, but I was somewhere in Guizhou at the time. My travel agent said no problem — he could change the flight for me, so long as I left for New York before May 8, 2005. After that, the ticket was no good. So I left on Sunday, May 8, knowing that I would likely have to pay a $150 date-change fee. Nothing more. But the Northwest Airlines people and my travel agent apparently disagree about the “nothing more” part. NWA seems to think I should pay for a whole new ticket. They ended up letting me on the flight for the $150, though, and said they would deal with my travel agent this week. So I’m in New York at the SoHo Apple store and I love this city and it’s great to see friends and the weather is nice and the Yankees have won two in a row and it will be nice to see family and even more friends. But paying for this trip defeats the whole purpose of making this trip. And $800 for a one-way ticket is fucking ridiculous. I’ll keep you posted.

So, on the Tokyo to New York flight, the woman — mid to late 30s, I think — sitting next to me watched ballroom dancing movies on her portable DVD player. She was decked out in a pink velour track suit that had “JUICY” printed on the butt (I have since learned that this crap is actually somewhat popular, “especially with jappy Long Island girls”).

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05.10.2005, 10:50 AM · Observations, Travel · Comments (4)

Luxury cars, pro golfers and dirty underwear

The nice thing about covering a professional golf tournament sponsored by BMW is that there’s always a chance you might catch a ride home in a BMW. That happened to me three times during the Asian Open, which concluded Monday — a day late because of rain — at Tomson Golf Club in Pudong.

On Sunday, I shared a 7 Series Sedan with a caddie and two golfers who were competing in the tournament … and I had no idea who they were. I didn’t want to ask — I thought that would be insulting. It would also have been a little embarrassing. I mean, I was wearing a media badge — I was writing about the freaking tournament — so you would think I should be able to recognize the competitors. But I couldn’t. You’d be surprised how little golf you actually watch when covering a golf tournament.

A little internet digging told me that the professional athlete seated directly in front of me in the passenger seat was Richard Sterne. The professional athlete to my left — seated on the hump seat — was Wade Ormsby. “I’ll sit in the middle,” he offered. “I’m small.”

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05.04.2005, 2:38 PM · Humor, Observations, Photos, Sports · Comments (1)

This post has absolutely nothing to do with Japan

It’s about soccer

Or footie, as the cool kids call it these days. Sunday evening, Cecil, Gavin, Marina and I headed over to Hongkou Stadium to watch some China Super League action. Shanghai Shenhua vs. Inter Shanghai, to be specific. This is called a derby. But it’s pronounced darby, I think. Now would be a good time to admit something: Living in Shanghai, I believe I have learned more British English than I have Chinese.

When I was around six years old, my mom bought me some new pajamas. The shirt had a picture of two guys playing soccer on it. And, since some 6-year-olds are stupid, it also had the word “SOCCER” printed in big bold letters. I threw a fit. Screaming. Crying. Why? Because I’m an American, Godammit! We hate soccer.

And then my family moved to England. The West Midlands. Sutton Coldfield. I attended the Penns Combined School — uniform required. Everything changed. I wore Adidas Sambas. I played Subuteo. I collected soccer sticker albums. I pulled for Aston Villa. I played soccer, excuse me, football — with a tennis ball, on blacktop — during recess. (I also played marbles, something called conkers … and got sent to the headmaster’s office because I somehow convinced a fellow second-grader to, inside our Ally McBeal-style co-ed bathroom, pull her knickers down. I still feel bad about that. Kind of.)

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04.27.2005, 1:22 AM · Observations, Photos, Sports, Video · Comments (2)

Just what were the anti-Japan protesters thinking?

Chatting with a Shanghai college student

Well, Japan has apologized to China … again. But Japanese officials also visited the highly controversial Yasukuni Shrine … again. (Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi hasn’t made his annual pilgrimage to the shrine — yet. He was busy meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao in Indonesia. A recent poll by Japan’s liberal Asahi Shimbun newspaper, by the way, shows that nearly half of Japanese voters wish Koizumi would halt his visits to the shrine, which honors Japan’s war dead — including 14 convicted World War II Class A war criminals.) And so, China responded to the apology by saying Japan needs to match its words with actions … again. And now, the feud turns to school textbooks … again. This time, Japan is calling China’s history books “extreme.” Not exactly breaking news.

The China-Japan issue is not going away any time soon. If you have read the comments to my previous post, that is abundantly clear. (And if you haven’t read the comments yet, don’t try to do it in one sitting.) Most Chinese feel one way. Most outsiders feel the opposite. The Chinese don’t understand the outsiders. The outsiders don’t understand the Chinese. This is not the first time in history this has happened.

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04.25.2005, 3:16 PM · Observations, Politics · Comments (18)

Tens of thousands take to the streets of Shanghai

Huge crowd has fun hating on Japan

Click here for photos of today’s anti-Japan march in Shanghai.

[UPDATE: Video clips of the march are here, here and here.]

So, I ended up going to Shanghai’s anti-Japan march this morning anyway. Going against the advice of a Chinese friend who told me the protest would be “very dangerous.” Going against the advice of the American government which warned U.S. citizens that China’s blanket hatred of all things Japanese could mutate into acts of violence toward all things foreign. I picked up the protest near People’s Square at around 9:30 a.m. expecting to see lines of Shanghai police, worrying slightly that my camera could get confiscated, not necessarily because it is a Japanese-made Canon — although that thought did cross my mind — but because I figured Shanghai authorities, desperately worried about the image of China’s most international city, would be doing everything in their power to limit the event’s exposure to the outside world.

Well, nothing of the sort happened. There were no lines of police. There were some, of course. But the majority of police that I saw today were smiling and laughing and marching along with the protesters. No one said a thing about my camera — not one of the police officers atop their Yamaha motorcycles, definitely not the Chinese student who wanted me to answer a question into his Sony video camera.

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04.16.2005, 3:50 PM · Observations, Photos, Politics, Video · Comments (100)

‘A detailed instruction on the Protest Against Right Wing Japanese’

And other notes about ‘warm patriotic sentiments’

The following is a translation of an email making the rounds in Shanghai regarding the fun-filled weekend the city has in store. The instructions include some tips that I think we can all apply to our everyday lives, like “If you are spotted throwing stuff at the consulate, smile at the policeman” and “Be careful when burning the Japanese flag and the Prime Minister’s portrait! Don’t end up burning yourself!” That’s just common sense.

Not sure if you were planning on checking out the protests in person or not — a little too early in the day for me — but the organizers promise it will be “quite a view.”

Here, comrades, is everything you need to know:

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04.15.2005, 1:15 PM · Observations, Politics · Comments (21)

Your man in Yunnan

Everything you need to know or Everything I know or Everything I felt like typing

Mediocre things come to those who have no choice but to wait. I am talking about my most recent batch of photos from Xishuangbanna. Not that the month-and-a-half-old photos (all 117 of them) are bad — actually, I think some of them turned out pretty well — but the image quality of the versions I added to the photo gallery is a little subpar, in my opinion. The reason? I started to use this iPhoto plugin called iPhotoToGallery. It really does make the uploading process a lot easier, but the tradeoff is that your photos look like crap. Until they clean up the crap, I won’t be using it again. But I won’t be re-uploading anything, either — just don’t have time. Still, the photos should give you a good feel for ‘Banna, which, after two visits, is one of my favorite spots in China — because the place, not far from Burma and Laos, is like a vacation from China. A slice of Southeast Asia without having to go through an airport security check.

I don’t have time to the write the long, vivid travelog that a trip to Xishuangbanna warrants (my time is currently occupied by a longer, hopefully vivider[1] travelog), but I would like to leave you with a few brief Yunnan travel tips:

Tip one: Go to Yunnan. You will love it.

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04.12.2005, 9:50 PM · Observations, Photos, Site News, Travel

Have you seen this chair?

Help me preserve a small piece of Old Shanghai

One of the reasons I like my part of Shanghai is because it feels old and lived in. It’s got character. One of the reasons I don’t like my part of Shanghai is because it’s being knocked down, one beautiful brick building at a time. It makes me sad — and I’m not even one of the thousands of longtime residents being displaced in the name of “progress.” Every day — well, every day I actually make it out of my apartment/office — I walk past an old man in a stocking cap who sits alone on a ratty chair next to one of the narrow walkways that lead into one of these labyrinthian longtang neighborhoods. His days consist of little more than resting on his cane and watching the world go by, a popular avocation for the elderly on Madang Lu. Yesterday, I saw him fiddling with his dentures. I always try to say hello to the man. And he always looks a little startled, giggles and then says hello back. I wonder when his house will be demolished. I wonder when he’ll get shuttled out to the suburbs to live out his years. I wonder if someone will say hello to him out there. I hope so.

My friend Henry grew up in in the apartment I now call home. During a visit last year, he looked out the window of his former bedroom — it’s on the 13th floor — and remarked how dramatically the view had changed. He used to see nothing but tile roofs. The tile roofs are still there — some of them, at least — but they sit in the shadows of tall apartment buildings. No doubt more of these uniformly ugly creations are on their way. Every morning I wake up to two sounds: construction and destruction. Odd how they often sound the same. Henry has lived abroad for nearly a decade and now makes his home in Atlanta. He appeared visibly frustrated by the fact that those who seemed most interested in preserving Old Shanghai were foreigners. Henry said 10 or 20 years from now — maybe sooner — Shanghainese are going to look upon a homogeneous mass of high-rises and wonder: “What have we done to our city?”

If I had a lot of money — and plenty of governmental guanxi — I’d buy an entire city block of these old neighborhoods and fix them up, preserve them. I don’t have a lot of money. I don’t even have a little money. So my preservation of Old Shanghai must start on a slightly smaller scale — a $3.75 wooden chair.

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04.09.2005, 2:12 AM · Observations · Comments (11)

The best vegetarian restaurant in Shanghai

BEST OF SHANGHAI: ‘One man’s opinion’

My girlfriend is a vegetarian. Actually, no she’s not. Well … kind of. Really, she’s a pescetarian, but no one knows what the hell that means. So, she usually just tells people that she’s a vegetarian who eats fish — a label that likely infuriates hardcore vegetarians. But at least it’s not as bad as those “I am a vegetarian … but I eat chicken” posers. (I actually know a girl who is a “vegetarian” … but eats barbecued lamb skewers. That amuses me.)

My girlfriend, by the way, is now very close to dropping her pesce- prefix altogether. Why? Because a fish recently attacked her … in our kitchen. Earlier on the day in question, I had heard some strange noises coming from that part of the apartment. A crashing. A rattling. I couldn’t place the sound. I checked it out, saw nothing out of the ordinary, and assumed the sound came from some sort of construction project in my building — people are always drilling, hammering, scraping, sawing, etc., in this place (this place meaning China) … and sound travels all too well in uninsulated apartment buildings … especially when I am trying to sleep. So, I thought nothing of the noise — until my girlfriend screamed.

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03.30.2005, 1:28 AM · Best of Shanghai, Featured, Food, Observations · Comments (8)

Flavored condoms: Ice Cream, Green Tea and … Ordinary?

While Bliss paid our bills recently during a trip to a typically unfriendly neighborhood KEDI market — many bills get paid at 24-hour shops here in Shanghai — I perused the condom display rack, always good for a laugh. Always, indeed. Flavored condoms. Ice Cream. Green Tea. And, my personal favorite, Ordinary.

I find the concept of flavored condoms humorous to begin with, but I’ve also never had to taste a condom. So I guess they serve their purpose. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, right? (Or, in this case, it actually prevents it from going down.) Ice cream? OK, I guess I can undertand this one. But there are many flavors of ice cream out there. Let’s hope it’s not Mississippi Mud Pie or Moose Tracks or Brownie Batter or anything that ends in “nut crunch.” Something like Karamel Sutra seems appropriate. But, hell, it’s probably Green Tea Ice Cream.

Which brings us to our next condom flavor … Green Tea. You know that awful bitter aftertaste that green tea leaves in your mouth sometimes? I can’t imagine spunk tastes much worse than that. But this is China, so we have condoms flavored to taste like Green Tea. Now, the Sex Herald tells us that “the right cup of tea will turn us on.” But I would imagine that if a Green Tea Condom is already inserted in your mouth, getting turned on is not really the issue. Finally, we have the Ordinary flavored condom, which I think is the wild card here. Ordinary what? An ordinary condom? Latex flavor? If so, does that really count as a flavored condom? Or perhaps Ordinary means what we all really hope it means. Maybe the Ordinary Condom is flavored to taste like a penis.

03.24.2005, 4:35 PM · Featured, Humor, Observations · Comments (5)

I’ll be the guy in the tux

I’m considering making the tuxedo the main item in my wardrobe. I’m going to start doing my grocery shopping in one. I’m going to wear one while I work on my computer during the day. I may even start wearing one to the gym. People simply treat you better when you’re wearing a tuxedo. They assume you’re someone important, full of mystery, coming or going from someplace spectacular — not an unemployed writer who seems to spend more time traveling than actually writing. (And in China — if you look like a foreigner, at least — no one will ever assume you are a waiter or a valet.)

I found myself in a tuxedo Wednesday night. The occasion was Shanghai Talk magazine’s annual party (photos). It was at La Fabrique, an uberchic restaurant/club, the regular clientele of which is likely very familiar with the latest international DJ rankings. (I’m not kidding. People really rank DJs. Seriously.) The theme of the party was “art deco,” which clothing-wise left me clueless. The invitation said “think Josephine Baker/Noel Coward.” I Googled both Baker and Coward and, and after looking at several images of both, concluded that most men would arrive wearing ascots — and the women would be topless.

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03.19.2005, 8:10 PM · Bars, Music, Observations · Comments (9)

I think I have found my bar … finally

If I had owned my own label, I would have signed the dude to a record deal on the spot. A Chinese guy who can handle indie rock and reggae? Not to mention the fact that he had more stage presence than there was stage. Not to mention the fact that he went toe-to-toe with the police in between sets. Not to mention the fact that he always appeared to be stoned or drunk — or both — until he opened his mouth to sing. This guy had rock star written all over him. And he was performing for a crowd of a few dozen in an unassuming watering hole tucked away on a lonesome residential Shanghai street, far away from where the city’s pretty people play on Saturday nights.

It was exactly where I wanted to be.

The bar is called Tang Hui Pub and it is located at 13 Xingfu Lu, near Fahuazhen Lu. On my city map, it’s about five inches northwest of Xujiahui. It was a 16 kuai cab ride from my apartment on Madang Lu. I first learned of Tang Hui from a Swedish journalist named Ola Wong who plays electric bass for the country band Shanghai Cowboys and used to play in a punk band back in Sweden. Then, after I posted my Top 25 Albums of 2004 a reader commented that I should DJ at Tang Hui. And then at brunch on Saturday with Cecil and Bliss at Zentral, Bliss stumbled upon an article about Tang Hui in one of Shanghai’s 107 English-language magazines. We decided to finally check the place out. (Cecil couldn’t go, having purchased an RMB 700 (!) ticket to attend the black-tie St. Patrick’s Day Ball at the Pudong Shangri-La. Tickets included dinner and “free” flow of Jameson and Guinness — but they also reportedly included river dancing and Bee Gees covers by one of Shanghai’s 107 Filipino bands.)

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03.14.2005, 1:10 AM · Audio, Bars, Music, Observations, Video · Comments (8)

Great Wall hike leaves me at a loss for words

A little more than two weeks ago, I hiked a five-mile stretch of the Great Wall, from Jinshanling to Simatai, with my friends Brian and Jill. And boy, it sure was great. It was rather cold and had been snowing and, in fact, our trip had been canceled twice by the friendly people at the Beijing Downtown Backpackers Accomodation due to inclement weather conditions. But after I explained to them that Brian and Jill traveled all the way from a small southern town called Atlanta just to see the Great Wall — and I think at that moment cute little Jill mustered up a tear or two — they relented and agreed to take us on a private trip … for the same price we would have paid had we gone with a group. I thought that was great of them. We paid 155 yuan per person, which included one entry ticket and round-trip transportation for the journey, which was 2.5 hours each way. I thought it was a great deal.

We pretty much had the wall to ourselves, which was great. The sky was great, clear and a perfect blue, which meant visibility, too, was great — we could see snow-covered mountains for miles. Just great. The locals who live near the wall are great. They’re willing to walk the wall with you, and they’ll even offer to sell you things — books, postcards, T-shirts and the like — along the way. They ensured us that their prices were great. (Actually, given the slippery conditions on the wall that day, it really was great to have some people familiar with the route along for the hike — someone had to catch Jill when she fell. If she would have gotten injured, it wouldn’t have been great.)

So, here they are. My 41 photos from the Jinshanling to Simatai hike of the Great Wall. I think that they are … um … hmmmm, what word could I use to describe these photos? … uh … I think these photos are OK.

Also, Brian and Jill will likely be using one of these Great Wall photos — one of the ones featuring them — as their 2005 Christmas card. If you could help them make their choice by commenting on the photo you like best … um yeah, that would be great.

03.13.2005, 9:49 PM · Diary, Observations, Photos, Travel · Comments (1)

It’s the Great Pumpkin (head), Chairman Mao

The first batch of Beijing photos is in the Gallery.

I generally don’t go out of my way to see dead bodies. In fact, over the course of my life, I have tried to limit my encounters with corpses as much as possible. I don’t attend viewings. And if a funeral happens to be open casket, I try my best not to look. So, I haven’t seen many dead bodies in my life. In fact, I only distinctly remember two — and they were both spied, on separate occasions, through windows of Shanghai taxi cabs. Unlucky bicyclists. Heavy heaps on black streets, glowing red and blue from the lights of a nearby police car. Dead bodies. Or at least very, very sleepy ones.

Thus, I have a hard time explaining my eagerness to see a dead Chairman Mao. Perhaps the impulse is fueled by the same deep down demons that, each and every day, lure me to read the latest developments in the Michael Jackson case. (He licked the kid’s head!) Regardless, on my second day in Beijing last month, I made a B-line for Mao’s big mausoleum in the middle of Tiananmen Square. Brian, Jill and I checked our bags and cameras and froze in line with dozens of others, followers and freak-show enthusiasts alike. And let me tell you, it was worth the price of admission.

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03.11.2005, 10:10 PM · Diary, Observations, Photos, Travel · Comments (2)

Traveling in China makes me sick

And, How do you do Shanghai in just two days?

I have a cold. Again. Pretty sure it’s the same one that joins me on all my travels through China. I’ve started saving him seats on buses and trains.

But I’m back in Shanghai now … for the forseeable future … finally. Since last July, I have spent a total of 60 days in Shanghai, the city that I’m supposed to call home. First there was The Trip. Then Hawaii. Then, and most recently, there was a manic two-week, seven airplane sprint through China with friends Brian and Jill, visiting from Atlanta.

I guess I’m still recovering from that one. But it was worth it. It was a rather spectacular two weeks, beginning with a snow-covered hike over a remote five-mile stretch of the Great Wall and ending with a dusty stroll through tiny villages and pineapple fields in sub-tropical Xishuangbanna. Brian and Jill saw more of China in two weeks than many China residents see in a year. Granted, it was the Cliff’s Notes version — but hey, Cliff’s Notes got me through college.

Over the next several days, I’ll take you on the trip via the comfort of your computer. No China germs. Just photos. I plan to upload a new batch every day until they’re all gone. I took more than 700 photos on the trip. Don’t worry — I’ll edit them down.

First, before things get really exciting, we start in Shanghai. A couple dozen pics that take you to the airport, my favorite old neighborhood and the usual places tourists go when they visit Shanghai and only have a day and a half: People’s Square, The Bund, Jin Mao Tower, Oriental Pearl Tower, Yu Yuan, Xiangyang Market … and a hell of a lot of shopping locales.

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03.09.2005, 12:35 AM · Diary, Observations, Photos · Comments (3)

This bug’s for you

Some say the new Shanghai Oriental Arts Center looks like a butterfly. I say it should have spent some more time in its cocoon.

From PlaybillArts:

Designed by French architect Paul Andrea — who also designed the opera house currently under construction in Beijing — the hall is variously described as resembling a butterfly and an orchid, with five segments containing the main entrance, the concert hall, a 1,020-seat opera house, a 333-seat auditorium, and an exhibition space. At night, lights on the roof will change color in coordination with the music inside.

I attended a show inside the butterfly last night, just two days after the $120 million dollar Shanghai Oriental Arts Center opened its very expensive doors. The concert — performed by the Berlin RIAS Broadcasting Philharmonic Orchestra — was billed “The Night of Dynamic Crystal.” And that billing makes absolutely no sense unless you know that the evening was sponsorerd by a real estate development firm that, for some reason, named itself Dynamic Crystal. I was given two free tickets to the concert because of some relatively shady “work” I did for Dynamic Crystal a couple weeks ago.

So please, follow me as I take you on a walking tour though the latest impersonal monstrosity to go up east of the Huangpu. The photo essay begins here.

01.03.2005, 9:50 PM · Music, Observations · Comments (5)

Ever hear of a ‘Chinese Gift Exchange’?

Well, there’s nothing Chinese about it

I meant to write this a while ago, but nothing seems to get done when it should this time of year. Body and mind go into some sort of holiday hibernation. A biological yuletide alarm clock goes off, telling you to take a break. And, of course, you go along with it: “I made it through another year. I deserve a break. It is the holidays, after all.” This is what happened to me — and nothing could be more absurd.

I live in a city that has all of the holiday fixings, but none of the holiday feelings (no matter what Xinhua would have us think). I am not a student, therefore no winter break. I am not technically employed, therefore no expectation of holiday vacation time. And, perhaps what makes my little holiday hiatus most preposterous, is what I did in the months leading up to now — I traveled. Yeah, sure, I deserve a break. I’m sure all of you who have been tied to a desk all year would agree.

Perhaps some of my mental malaise can be attributed to a mild state of depression, a feeling that I imagine afflicts many foreigners in China this time of year. Another holiday overseas, far from home, away from family and friends. So we try to fake it here, filling our days and nights with as much approximated holiday cheer as possible. Bliss and I began that ritual with a holiday party a week before Christmas, two days before Bliss boarded a plane headed for Georgia.

The highlight of the evening was a “Chinese” gift exchange, a practice, we learned, that has no Chinese qualities whatsoever.

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12.28.2004, 4:15 PM · Diary, Observations · Comments (5)

Manhattan Bar: No longer ‘hookers, drinks and DVDs’

I don’t make a habit of going to invitation-only grand opening parties for new bars — largely because I never get invited to them. But thanks to my friend Diana, I got on the guest list for a gala last night. The bar was called Manhattan. The street was Tongren Lu. The block was just south of Nanjing Xi Lu, site of a flashy new bar strip where many of the drinking holes and dance spots forced out of Maoming Nan Lu have sought considerably swankier refuge. Manhattan is one of the first new Tongren Lu establishments to debut. And the place was packed — the manager says he has quite the email address list.

If you are familiar with the Manhattan Bar on Maoming Lu — yes, that sticky, smoky, smelly dive with DVD hawkers hounding people at high tables — you should know that this new version does indeed come from the same ownership. But the two places have nothing in common. Manhattan on Tongren Lu is upscale, sophisticated and tastefully appointed. A huge silhouette of the Manhattan skyline — or, at least, some artist’s rendition of it — glows behind the bar. There’s a stage for live music and a balcony for a bird’s eye view. And the DVD hawkers have to stay outside.

“When you make enough money selling hookers and drinks,” said one party-goer familiar with the old Manhattan Bar, “you can afford a place like this.”

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12.17.2004, 7:09 PM · Bars, Observations · Comments (7)

In Shanghai, it’s always Black Friday at IKEA

I went to IKEA yesterday — and, by the looks of it, so did everyone else in Shanghai. I know they weren’t shopping for Christmas, because according to the Shanghai media, there is no Christmas in China. But they were definitely shopping for something. Probably getting some early Spring Festival items out of the way — you know, the traditional Spring Festival tree, the traditional Spring Festival lights, the traditional Spring Festival candles in, of course, the traditional Spring festival colors … green and red. IKEA played right along, too, piping in through the sound system traditional Spring Festival carols (we Christmas-types should be ashamed, by the way — many of our Christmas carols are complete ripoffs of Spring Festival classics!) and requiring some employees to don traditional Spring Festival hats. You know, the red ones with the fuzzy white ball on top meant to symbolize a traditional Spring Festival baozi.

Anyway regardless of what they were buying and why they buying it, there were a hell of a lot of people at IKEA yesterday. If someone wants to interview members of China’s “growing middle class,” the Shanghai IKEA would be a fine place to take your pad and pencil.

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12.13.2004, 7:22 PM · Observations · Comments (12)

Not reading Chinese will make your milk go sour

I have less than half of my iBook battery left — 49 percent to be exact — so I will keep this short.

Power went out in my building at around 7:30am. This has never happened before. It’s been nearly three hours, and I still have no power.

This is not good. My office is in my apartment. It requires electricity to live. So do the apartment’s air conditioners (the low temperatures in Shanghai have been around 80 recently). The refrigerator requires electricity, too (I think I can actually hear the milk curdling as I write this).

But there didn’t seem to be any panic in the building this morning. No one else really seemed to notice or care about the blackout. As my girlfriend left for work, and walked down thirteen flights of stairs — no electricity, no elevators — she passed not one sweaty soul doing the same thing. She didn’t see anyone working to fix the problem downstairs, either, even though everyone in the building, including those responsible for maintaining it, obviously had to realize we had been without electricity for more than an hour. Weird.

It’s as if they weren’t surprised by the problem. It’s as if they expected it. It’s as if they knew it was going to happen.

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07.09.2004, 11:53 AM · Observations · Comments (10)

Slash of the Titans

How government censors — not audience members — were the most annoying part of my first movie-going experience in China

I am somewhat of a movie buff, yet I waited 18 months to see a movie in the theater in Shanghai. Or perhaps it’s that I waited 18 months to see a movie in the theater in Shanghai because I am somewhat of a movie buff. Let me explain.

Generally an easy going guy, I am the anal retentive movie-goer. I hate when audience members talk. I hate when their mobile phones go off. I hate when they have annoying laughs.

In America, I would choose show times based on when the theater was likely to be at its emptiest. I would choose a seat far away from anyone else. If someone would come in late and sit near me, sometimes I would get up and move.

I figured China would be just about the worst place for a person like me to go see a movie because — and I know I am generalizing here — Chinese people have no problem talking during anything, Chinese people love their mobile phones and the Chinese language comes in two volume levels: loud an louder. The whisper, I’m convinced, is a Western innovation.

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06.27.2004, 3:04 AM · Culture, Movies, Observations · Comments (13)

Too rainy for you? Blame the government.

singin.jpgShanghai summers are hot and humid, sometimes unbearably so. Last summer, the city’s high temperature remained above 95 degrees for a record 40 days in a row. And sorry Shanghai dwellers, summers aren’t likely to get better any time soon, because — as we all know — Shanghai is also one of the most polluted megacities in the world. What little bit of ozone our sky has left will likely be burned away soon. Automobile sales here are growing at a record pace — even though the roads are already overcrowded and the city has about one parking lot downtown — and factory emissions go largely unchecked. Oh, the country is also in the midst of an energy crisis because the government forgot to figure out how it was going to power its economy’s historic growth. Last summer, Shanghai experienced a series of power shortages because too many people were using their air conditioners at the same time.

But, have no fear, people of Shanghai. The government is coming to our rescue. It has a plan to solve all of our problems. The government’s going to make it rain, baby.

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06.20.2004, 1:28 PM · News, Observations, Politics · Comments (10)

I smell a rat. (No, actually I see a rat.)

ratstamp.jpgI was just telling someone the other day that I was amazed I hadn’t seen more rats in Shanghai. Or any rats, for that matter. It’s a huge, old, dirty city. There should be rats. There are in American cities, plenty of them. I’ve seen night-vision footage of alleyways in New York City that would make your skin crawl. And I’ve seen rats in southern China — big ones, they travel in groups — so bold they don’t even bother waiting for the cover of darkness. But, in 18 months, I have never seen a rat in Shanghai. Well, not until tonight.

Strange that I didn’t see this rat at one of the outdoor markets, where fruit, vegetable, meat and other assorted remnants are always scattered all over the place. Odd that I didn’t see it in some dark, damp alleyway where restaurants overflow garbage bins with who knows what. Fantastic that I didn’t see the rat in my new apartment — I’m still recovering from the roaches.

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06.16.2004, 4:00 AM · Observations · Comments (5)

The eyes have had it

My eyes were filled with tears over the weekend — and no, it had nothing at all to do with a dead president (or the fact that Cecil and I lost to Rick and Luis in beer pong). No, my eyes were watery because I decided to go for a walk.

The pollution is particularly potent right now in Shanghai. And a simple 10-minute stroll from my new apartment to Huaihai Lu had my eyes burning. I imagine it has something to due with the humidity, which has the city in a stranglehold it won’t release until sometime in November. The humidity has Shanghai — and its pollution — trapped. And it’s early June. This is just the beginning.

That Shanghai is polluted obviously is no surprise. It’s the biggest city in the country with the world’s worst environmental record. But Shanghai’s pollution had never made my eyes burn before. Perhaps this is because I used to live 20 minutes from downtown. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never lived in Shanghai during the summer. I don’t know.

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06.14.2004, 4:25 AM · Observations · Comments (3)

Paint. Fumigate. Decorate.

Or 10 Groovy Songs To Make Love To In Your Late-1970s Communist Bachelor Pad

NOTE: This post was actually started last week — hence the reference to nice weather, which was as short-lived as anyone familiar with Shanghai would suspect — and finished this week. Why the delay in completion? Well, read on. Moving is a pain in the ass.

It’s been a beautiful week here in Shanghai. Blue skies. Low humidity. At times, the air has actually seemed fresh.

Or, I should say, it has looked fresh. Because, during Shanghai’s nicest week of the year, I’ve been stuck indoors. I’ve been painting, cleaning and sitting in front of a computer.

I’m trying to get an apartment ready to live in. I’m trying to finalize plans for my upcoming trip across China. And I’m trying to get the new version of this website ready to launch before I leave.

Oh, and I’m trying to kill a small army of cockroaches, too.

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06.10.2004, 5:34 PM · Observations · Comments (10)

Want a nice smile? Just say “cheese”

i just finished brushing my straight, white, american teeth … and i was reminded of something one of my students asked me not too long ago.

“dan, why do americans have such white teeth?” she asked.

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05.28.2004, 7:44 PM · Humor, Observations, School

flying high for amoi

fresh from flirting pictures comes video footage of one of my latest cameos in a chinese television commercial. this one, for amoi electronics, was filmed back in january at shanghai’s wei sheng studios.

check it out here: amoi.mpg (warning: this file is around 15mb in size. it could take a while to load.)

photos of the shoot: click here

another ad i was in: adHIGH.mov (6mb)

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04.10.2004, 8:00 PM · Observations, Photos, Video

sizing people up

i went bra shopping yesterday.

well, actually i accompanied someone who was going bra shopping. one of the duties of being a boyfriend, i suppose.

usually, it’s the guy who feels uncomfortable in such a situation. not so sure that was the case yesterday.

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04.10.2004, 5:15 PM · Observations · Comments (1)

take me out to the bangqiu bisai

if you’re a fan of mediocre baseball — yes, i mean you, pittsburgh pirates fans — you’re just going to love the china baseball league. baseball, huge in japan and taiwan, has never really caught on here in china. for evidence of this, just look at the CBL (the only pro league in a country of 1.3 billion), which could only scrounge up four teams.

this is the CBL’s third season, and last friday i was there for opening day: shanghai eagles vs. beijing tigers. shanghai’s congbei stadium in pudong is not conveniently located — the nearest subway stop is a 22 kuai cab ride away — but that didn’t stop shanghai’s baseball fans from coming out in droves.

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04.08.2004, 3:06 PM · Observations, Sports · Comments (4)

stripped: beijing youth whips out story about nude men

i think i’m the guy on the right. the one with the big nose and the bad haircut. i can’t read what i am saying, but i imagine it has something to do with the nude bald man talking on his mobile phone or the nude midget to my left.

this cartoon recently appeared in the beijing youth daily (beijing qingnian bao) newspaper, which claims to have a paid daily circulation of 600,000. the cartoon accompanied english and chinese versions of one of my recent posts. it had to do with nudity in locker rooms.

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04.08.2004, 1:24 AM · Observations, Politics · Comments (6)

where the hell have i been?

in a cave? well, yes. but only part of the time.
NOTE: i added a couple hundred new photos the other day. follow the links found in the text below to see them.

you know it’s been a long time when you start getting text messages from your students telling you to update your website. so here you go, bonny.

over the past several weeks, i chose to concentrate on money-making ventures — you know, freelance writing and standing next to cars — instead of this website.

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03.11.2004, 1:06 AM · Guangxi, Movies, Observations, Photos, School, Sports · Comments (4)

not that there’s anything wrong with that

i go to a gym in shanghai. it’s a nice gym: big and clean and very modern. it’s got three levels — all connected by escalators — with walls of mirrors and lines of neon lights and tall windows that look down upon huai hai zhong lu. it’s got tv sets and techno music and more exercise equipment than i’ve seen in one place … anywhere. hell, it’s even got spinning classes. what i’m trying to say is that my gym in china — a country still relatively new to the whole gym thing — is amazingly … um … normal.

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01.30.2004, 9:21 PM · Observations · Comments (7)

i’m dreaming of a gray christmas

and guess what? i got it! oh, and i got a gray thanksgiving, too. pretty sure i’ll also be blessed with a gray new year. not sure about valentine’s day … but i’ve got my fingers crossed.

sometimes living in shanghai is like living inside a black and white movie. and this is one case where i’d be in favor of a little colorization. here, smog hovers until it passes the baton to darkness. what little color exists is quickly covered by a layer of dirt. and sorry, adding more neon lights isn’t going to do the trick.

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12.24.2003, 11:41 PM · Diary, Humor, Observations · Comments (3)

‘that’s how they do business’

so i’m getting my crapped-out digital camera looked at by the fine people at a canon shop on nanjing xi lu. asked them to look at it, identify the problem and estimate the cost for repairs … before actually making the repairs. no problem.

today, i got a call from my friend johnson, who is acting as translator for this process (hell, he acts as my translator for most processes). they told him that they looked at it. they told him what the problem was. and they told him how much the repairs would cost: RMB 500.

“ok,” i said. “i guess go ahead and tell them to make the repairs.”

“oh, it’s ready,” johnson replied. “you can pick it up now.”

“they repaired it already?”

“yes.”

“but what would they have done if i told them i didn’t want them to repair it?”

“they would break it again.”

“huh?”

“that’s how they do business.”

“oh.”

11.03.2003, 10:32 PM · Observations

i’m back

well, i didn’t really go anywhere. just kind of a mental sabbatical. every time i sat down to write something for the blog … i didn’t.

my mid-autumn malaise can partly — partly — be attributed to three things:

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11.03.2003, 12:32 AM · Observations · Comments (1)

qualifications: being white, a certain whiteness, having white parents, etc.

UPDATE: click here to see photos from the shoot!

now you can finally say you know someone who was in a chinese bus commercial. i’m the, um, white guy. don’t blink, though. most of my brilliant moments were left on the editing room floor. click here to watch the the entire 60-second television ad. (you will need quicktime to views this .mov file.)

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10.14.2003, 12:12 AM · Observations, Video · Comments (1)

‘i think we should be slaves’

so my students are giving mid-term presentations now. the topic: any story about something they experienced over national day holiday. basically, my students are a boring lot … and they readily admit it. i heard over and over again how they slept, watched tv, played computer games, surfed the internet and ate “some delicious foods.”

a few students stuck out, though. one in particular. her father is a history professor, so she spent part of her time reading chinese history books that were lying around her house. her presentation was about the fact that she couldn’t trust anything in those books, thanks to the chinese government’s habit of rewriting — or just erasing — messy bits of history.

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10.13.2003, 11:33 PM · Observations, Politics, School · Comments (1)

2003: a dental odyssey


the dentist office was too perfect, at times. it was all rather kubrickian.

going to the dentist in china is like going to a foreign policy pow-wow at the white house: you just have a feeling that something is going to go wrong. think the streets of shanghai are dirty and overcrowded? just take a look at some of its smiles. sure, china has experienced its share of economic growth recently. but it ain’t nothin’ compared to its oral decay.

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09.24.2003, 12:32 AM · Observations · Comments (6)

cricket fighting: shut the hell up, russell!

cricket fighting — yes, cricket fighting — has been a popular activity in china for thousands of years. they are the roy jones juniors of the insect world: they sing … and they kick ass!

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09.22.2003, 11:35 PM · Observations, Sports · Comments (10)

a man of letters

things i learned during my mid-autumn festival (the fifteenth day of the eighth month by the ch