Golden Prods and Organism Waves: An infomercial script
The folks at Gridskipper, and others, enjoyed my post about my first infomercial shoot (up until the point when my payment got stolen, I assume). So, I figured I’d provide you with what I know you are all craving: MORE DR. JAMES. Below you will find all of my “lines” from the infomercial in the form they were originally given to me — and you will see why Johnson, Bliss and I reworked the lines to a point where they kind of made sense. I actually had my first two lines — the long ones — memorized, but none of this mattered. Since the entire infomericial will be dubbed in Chinese, what was coming from the mouths of the “talent” mattered not — they just wanted the impression that this infomerical was taking place somewhere in, say, Burbank, California. I’d get about 30 percent through one of my lines and the director would yell, “Cut! Print!” I had filled the allotted time with my white man mouth movements and it was time to move on. After my first two lines, we just bullshitted our way through the rest, making fun of the product, the director and this odd chapter in our lives. No one was the wiser — or, more likely, they just didn’t care. In fact, one of the girls in the infomercial was from Argentina, and she did all of her lines in Spanish.
So, here they are: The lines for Dr. James, the unshaven inventor or 发明者 or fa ming zhe of the low-powered stun gun known as “Dolly” (or “Doli,” as it is called in the script):
照片放大后 就能找到答案，使用多丽的半个脸，皮肤更紧绷；额头、眉心、嘴角的15条皱纹，9条彻底消失、6条显著变淡；浮肿的脸型变得瘦美！所以看上去琼斯太太整整年轻了20岁！
After zoom in the photo, the answer can be found!
Using doli, you can find it keeps the skin of half face tense! Originally there are 15 wrinkles from brow, corners of mouth and between eyebrows, now 9 of which are disappear, others become less deeper, the puffy face is changed! So that’s why Mrs. Johns look younger more than 20 years old!
10.17.2005, 8:33 AM · Humor, Observations, Television · Comments (6)
Luxury cars, pro golfers and dirty underwear
The nice thing about covering a professional golf tournament sponsored by BMW is that there’s always a chance you might catch a ride home in a BMW. That happened to me three times during the Asian Open, which concluded Monday — a day late because of rain — at Tomson Golf Club in Pudong.
On Sunday, I shared a 7 Series Sedan with a caddie and two golfers who were competing in the tournament … and I had no idea who they were. I didn’t want to ask — I thought that would be insulting. It would also have been a little embarrassing. I mean, I was wearing a media badge — I was writing about the freaking tournament — so you would think I should be able to recognize the competitors. But I couldn’t. You’d be surprised how little golf you actually watch when covering a golf tournament.
A little internet digging told me that the professional athlete seated directly in front of me in the passenger seat was Richard Sterne. The professional athlete to my left — seated on the hump seat — was Wade Ormsby. “I’ll sit in the middle,” he offered. “I’m small.”
05.04.2005, 2:38 PM · Humor, Observations, Photos, Sports · Comments (1)
“Golly gee, I really think your phone is neato!”
Hmmmm. Can you tell which one is me? (Click on the photo for a closer look.)
And no, this is not an April Fools joke. [UPDATE: And now I have proof — the television version of the ad (1.54MB QuickTime movie file). Can’t Photoshop that.]
Special thanks to Even at Workhouse Film for hooking me up with a copy of the ad. [UPDATE: And special thanks to Hung at Washabi for providing the video.]
[UPDATE II: I totally forgot to direct you to the photos from the shoot for this ad. They start at the bottom of the page … after the photos of me with amazingly big, bad hair.]
04.01.2005, 6:39 PM · Humor, Photos, Video · Comments (13)
Flavored condoms: Ice Cream, Green Tea and … Ordinary?
While Bliss paid our bills recently during a trip to a typically unfriendly neighborhood KEDI market — many bills get paid at 24-hour shops here in Shanghai — I perused the condom display rack, always good for a laugh. Always, indeed. Flavored condoms. Ice Cream. Green Tea. And, my personal favorite, Ordinary.
I find the concept of flavored condoms humorous to begin with, but I’ve also never had to taste a condom. So I guess they serve their purpose. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, right? (Or, in this case, it actually prevents it from going down.) Ice cream? OK, I guess I can undertand this one. But there are many flavors of ice cream out there. Let’s hope it’s not Mississippi Mud Pie or Moose Tracks or Brownie Batter or anything that ends in “nut crunch.” Something like Karamel Sutra seems appropriate. But, hell, it’s probably Green Tea Ice Cream.
Which brings us to our next condom flavor … Green Tea. You know that awful bitter aftertaste that green tea leaves in your mouth sometimes? I can’t imagine spunk tastes much worse than that. But this is China, so we have condoms flavored to taste like Green Tea. Now, the Sex Herald tells us that “the right cup of tea will turn us on.” But I would imagine that if a Green Tea Condom is already inserted in your mouth, getting turned on is not really the issue. Finally, we have the Ordinary flavored condom, which I think is the wild card here. Ordinary what? An ordinary condom? Latex flavor? If so, does that really count as a flavored condom? Or perhaps Ordinary means what we all really hope it means. Maybe the Ordinary Condom is flavored to taste like a penis.
- To see a bigger version of the photo, click on it or click here.
- The photo quality is not great because I only got to take one shot. After the first one, I got yelled at … a lot. They don’t like it when people take photos in 24-hour stores, I have learned. Perhaps they arrange their condoms in a top secret manner. Click here for a photo of the shopkeeper’s hand.
- These are Wonder Life brand condoms. Their English slogan is “For Happy Hours By Two.”
03.24.2005, 4:35 PM · Featured, Humor, Observations · Comments (5)
Head-shaking drugs and birds of prey
Greetings from the Tokyo airport. It’s hour five of my seven-hour layover en route to the Hainan Island of the United States — Hawaii. I’m on my way (thanks to a free frequent flyer ticket) to meet this little guy (photo on right), my nephew Sam. This is my first time being an uncle. I hope I don’t drop him.
Interestingly, even with my long layover, thanks to an 18-hour time difference, I still arrive in Honolulu nearly two hours before I left Shanghai. I left Shanghai at 9:15 this morning, and will touch down in Hawaii at 7:20 … this morning. Right now, Honolulu’s low temperature is more than 20 degrees higher than Shanghai’s high temperature. Sounds good to me. I think I’ll stay for a month.
I’m going to be busy these next several weeks — doing the beach thing, babysitting and, yes, writing — so I was wondering: Can you guys help me answer some of the emails piling up in my inbox? The following are two of my more, um, interesting ones — covering everything from the notorious “shaking head pills” to Tommy Hilfiger to hunting with hawks. (Please leave your replies in the form of comments to this post.)
This one is from a former student, a college junior:
how are you going? winter holiday is drawing near and i’m very excited. i have been always thinking about going to the bar ‘cause the atmosphere there deeply attracts me. perhaps you think it very strange. going to bars is an easy deal, why do i always think? i’ve been told several times that it’s very terrible there. young people violently and continuously dance and shake their heads, and i guess that’s due to the drugs. so do you have any suggestions for me? in addition, dan, do you know about brands? i mean those american native brands such as tom hilfiger. have a nice day.
01.13.2005, 5:27 PM · Diary, Humor · Comments (21)
Unallowable. Objectionable. Impermissible. Inexpedient?
This sign is posted in Fuxing Park, one of Shanghai’s nicest, and just a short walk from my apartment. Bold added by me. Enjoy.
Pursuant to the ‘Regulations of Shanghai Municipaity on Administration of the Public Parks’, visitors are advised to observe the following:
- Parks are accessible to the public during the ‘open’ hours; admission tickets or relevant identity documents, where desired, are to be presented at entrance; children below 1.2 meters in height, mental patients are admitted only under custody;
- Ethic and moral codes should be duly honored; visitors are expected not to urinate or shit, post ads or posters, and write or carve around in the park, nor to remove or harm any facility or equipment in the park; exposing one’s top, lying about, washing and airing clothes, scavenging or begging from others is unallowable; climbing artificial hills, or playing or swimming in the pond or lake is objectionable; ball games and kite-flying are impermissible (unless in a designated area);
- Visitors are not supposed to tease, scare, or capture bird, cricket, fish and shrimp, or cicada (except those for commercial purposes); no animal is allowed to enter the park unless permitted, visitors should take good care of trees, flowers and plants, and should not tear at flowers or plants, dig up fruits or seeds, and collect soil or water-plants;
- Firearms and ammunition, combustibles and explosives, and any other hazardous items are strictly forbidden; firework-playing, barbecuing or camping is banned (unless in a designated area) in the park;
- The visitor to the park should discipline himself instead of making himself a nuisance to others; any group activity in the park shall be subject to the administration of the relevant department of the park; public speech, public meeting or fund-raising of any nature is inexpedient; activities of feudalistic and superstitious nature, gambling and those banned under law are prohibited; activities of business nature, including setting up a vending stand, peddling about, practicing medicine or distributing propaganda sheets are not allowed;
- No vehicle (except special vehicles for the disabled) shall be admitted into the park; vehicles allowed into the park should move around slowly.
Shanghai Green Administration Bureau
October 2002
07.06.2004, 1:06 AM · Humor · Comments (1)
Never Trust Democracy
Ah yes, that tried and true rallying cry: “Never Trust Democracy!”
Ever seen that one before? I hadn’t until I walked into my local police station in Shanghai. I was sitting and waiting for my new temporary residence permit to receive its all-important red stamp, when a woman walked into the room wearing a black T-shirt that read, in big bold letters, “NEVER TRUST DEMOCRACY.”
It surprised me. It struck me as a little bit strange. Involuntarily, I read it outloud.
Nothing wrong with the shirt necessarily. You know, free speech and all that. Just not something I expected to see, especially in China, where people rarely discuss their political views, let alone broadcast them on a T-shirt. I wonder if she even knew what it said.
But you know the most surprising thing about this English-language T-shirt in China? It was grammatically correct.
Out of curiosity, I Googled the phrase “Never Trust Democracy.” You know how many hits I got? Two. Yes, two. For some reason, I thought it would be higher.
And you know what one of the Google links led to? A French guy talking about a T-shirt he saw in Shanghai.
07.01.2004, 1:21 AM · Humor · Comments (1)
Want a nice smile? Just say “cheese”
i just finished brushing my straight, white, american teeth … and i was reminded of something one of my students asked me not too long ago.
“dan, why do americans have such white teeth?” she asked.
05.28.2004, 7:44 PM · Humor, Observations, School
“Have your good time, Mr. Sadam”
yesterday was my last day of teaching at shanghai university. forever. and, right now, that’s all i have to say about that.
i will leave you with the transcript from a mid-term skit two of my students performed for me monday, five weeks after it was due. no, the dialogue has nothing to do with what the assignment was actually about. yes, the students received very bad grades for their efforts.
but i thought it was fittingly bizarre. enjoy.
The baby was unbelievably ugly
from the shanghai daily …
A woman who had undergone plastic surgery recently agreed to pay 1 million yuan (US$120,000) in compensation to her husband in a court-mediated divorce for not telling him about it before they married. After she gave birth last September, her husband was amazed to find the baby was unbelievably ugly. As her suspicious husband demanded a DNA test, she told the secret: She had plastic surgery in South Korea for 1 million yuan during a trip there years ago.thanks to cecil for forwarding this one along.
05.18.2004, 9:35 PM · Humor
“you wanna try it?” … “it seems a bit big.”
04.10.2004, 4:13 PM · Humor · Comments (2)
i challenge you to a personality contest
i generally avoid reading the chinese media … because, well, it’s the chinese media. but during lunch yesterday at rendezvous cafe — my new favorite shanghai slop house — i happened to glance at a china daily. and now, dare i say it, i think i might be addicted … because, well, it was hilarious. unlike most newspapers, state-run chinese newspapers aren’t bogged down with real news stories. they don’t confuse readers by offering two sides to every story. hell, sometimes they don’t report on stories at all — thus saving readers valuable time.
all this free space allows chinese newspapers to print some pretty weird shit. the onion ain’t got nothing on these guys.
03.20.2004, 11:27 PM · Humor, News · Comments (5)
i’m blaming the humidity
33 reasons why i got a hair cut.03.11.2004, 7:48 PM · Humor · Comments (6)
i’m dreaming of a gray christmas
and guess what? i got it! oh, and i got a gray thanksgiving, too. pretty sure i’ll also be blessed with a gray new year. not sure about valentine’s day … but i’ve got my fingers crossed.
sometimes living in shanghai is like living inside a black and white movie. and this is one case where i’d be in favor of a little colorization. here, smog hovers until it passes the baton to darkness. what little color exists is quickly covered by a layer of dirt. and sorry, adding more neon lights isn’t going to do the trick.
12.24.2003, 11:41 PM · Diary, Humor, Observations · Comments (3)
ucla yankee cola
seen on the side of a minibus: “scientific-atlanta of shanghai, ltd”
seen on a student’s shirt: “i need more juicy”
i love this place.
11.03.2003, 12:41 AM · Humor
so who is this smoky guy?
saw this printed on the front of a girl’s t-shirt over the weekend: from fuckin’ smoky
no idea.
09.15.2003, 9:26 PM · Humor
the name game
this dialogue may or may not have taken place at shanghai university this week:
student: she’s bringing one of her friends to the dinner. cute.
teacher: oh, so you like this girl? the friend.
student: no, that’s her name: cute.
ah yes, another semester, another slew of students with peculiar, yet priceless, english names.
a sampling of this year’s crop (in no particular order): chriss, lichee, viya, luvee, vitamin, even, shiny, bristol, pizzaro, sting, fanny, heero, vanilla, kurapica, luthy, viper, sunshine (a guy), geniala, quasar, spirits, threa, vicient, jeff (a girl), canoe, interne, mercury, fish, amigo, hill west, ice, vassili, stockton, napanee, mealing, castal, shirka, sin, nickel, seifer, ekin, manson, beryl and an inordinate number of girls named mavis and stella.
09.10.2003, 10:47 PM · Humor, School · Comments (11)
tooth pic
“we’d like to thank yao ming for loaning us his teeth for today’s demonstration.”
submit your caption! click the comments link below.
09.07.2003, 9:28 PM · Humor, Photos · Comments (1)
so, i got this e-mail …
Hi, i ran across your webpage and thought it was really cool. Just curious though, how tall are you? Do you have any pics of you standing next to a shorter asian guy?
It’s for my research
thanks
strange, huh?
07.30.2003, 1:58 AM · Humor
fountain power
This lady is going to keep her arm raised until you write a caption for this photo! Don’t make her suffer — click on the comments link below and let your creativity flow.
05.29.2003, 8:53 AM · Humor, Photos · Comments (9)
taxi driver: “no psychos”
make this photo your desktop image!
Dazhong Taxi Co., Shanghai
Passenger Notice
Rule No. 2: “Passengers are not allowed to carry with them any contraband goods, smoke, spit, or to dump inside taxis. Psychos or drunkards without guardians are prohibited to take taxis. Be sure to check your belongings when you get off.”
Standard Service Process
“A. Pasengers get on — ask for the destination — choose the roads — open the taxi meter
B. Reach the destination — pause — quote — print
C. Settle the taxi fare — declare the amount received from the passenger — give back change — give receipt
D. Passengers get off — remind — check — say goodbye”
Click here to hear the recorded voice you hear when you enter a Jinjiang taxi — the nice white ones — in Shanghai. The English part starts after 16 seconds and says: "Hello passenge. Welcome to take Jinjiang taxi. We will provide service for you with all my heart. Our call number is 62155555 (inaudible). Wish you have a pleasant journey."
i need to take a xintiandi
Ever wonder what locals think of the newfangled fancy-shmancy Western haunts in Shanghai?
Here’s what my Shanghainese friend Johnson said during a rare walk through Xintiandi recently:
“I hear toilets here are very nice.”
03.14.2003, 3:01 AM · Humor
i’ll have the hugh grant, please
Are there any other straight guys out there who carry around photos of Hugh Grant in their pockets?
Every time I visit my neighborhood barber — US$0.63 per haircut — I never say a word. I just hand him two photos of Mr. Grant from About a Boy, point to them and then point to my head. This strategy has worked well so far.
02.23.2003, 12:05 PM · Humor, Observations · Comments (2)
ad nauseum
Feeling down? Need a laugh? Well, all you need to do is peruse the job ads at www.thatsshanghai.com. Here are some of my favorites from the past couple weeks:
RANDOM TALENTS
Ben Kinglsley Look Alike?
Do you look like Ben Kingsley? Remember Gandhi, Schindler’s List, Dave and many other movies he acted in? We need a double for him in an upcoming movie to be filmed in Shanghai. Please contact me and include a photo. Let’s meet and talk…
02.23.2003, 11:57 AM · Humor
on the menu: interesting “english”
Interesting English translations at Shanghai restaurants
(there are no misspellings on this page!)
AFanti Delicious Food Public place entertainment
That’s what it says on their sign! Their menu* calls the place “Apandy Uygur Food 8 intertainment City.”
Click here to listen to “Georgie Bush,” the Turkish guy who cooks lamb kebabs in front of the restaurant. (1:43, 1 MB)
02.17.2003, 11:08 AM · Humor
Happy Freakin’ Valentine’s Day
NOTE: A shorter and less, um, explicit version of this story will appear in the February 2003 issue of that’s Shanghai magazine.
by DAN WASHBURN
I hate Valentine’s Day. And, I would guess, privately most of you do too … unless you happen to be wrapped up in the flowers, greeting cards and chocolate racket. There’s not much less romantic than a holiday that tries to force you to be romantic. There’s not much less romantic than V-Day’s origins, either. First, there was ancient Rome’s Lupercalia, the mid-February fornication festival that required each horny young boy to pick at random the name of a female (it didn’t matter if she was horny) to be his plaything for the following year. Erotic? Yes. Romantic? No.
01.24.2003, 7:34 AM · Humor, Stories · Comments (1)
dvd doozies: ocean’s eleven/legends of the fall
Ocean’s Eleven (2001)
Legends of the Fall (1994)
Maybe they were busy drooling over Brad — excuse me, Bard — Pitt. Maybe they had taken a hit of that "head-shaking drug" my students keep telling me about. Or maybe there were some keys missing from their keyboards (check out the credits for Legends). Whatever it was, the folks who put these covers together are currently the odds-on favorites to take home the inaugural DVD Doozie Awards for Synopsis Writing. Excellent work guys. You have set the bar very, very high.
dvd doozies: undisputed
In Shanghai, few things are more plentiful than construction cranes, rice and neon lights. The DVD is one of them. Supposedly illegal, the bootleg industry is booming. Discs can be purchased everywhere: from back alleys and back rooms to well-lit streets and even actual stores (the owners of which must pay policemen Jackie Chan movies to look the other way). On the city’s busiest streets, DVDs are dealt like drugs. Men in suits greet you with a whisper, “Watch? Shoes? CD? DVD?” Nod your head, and he’ll start walking. Follow, and you’ll end up somewhere — a dark sidestreet, a windowless room, even upstairs at a restaurant — staring at a suitcase full of DVDs.
The selection can be impressive — everything from classics to current stuff — and if you know the Chinese name of a movie they don’t have, they can probably get it for you. Concerned about quality? Don’t be. Most DVDs here are, well, DVD quality. Even the camcorder jobs can be bearable, assuming that no one seated in front of the cameraman was called “Head-and-a-Half” in college. Yeah, you’ll have the occasional dud, but each bad disc makes a fine drink coaster — remember, unless you’re a sucker, DVDs only cost 8 yuan here. That’s $1, folks. You still get to keep the DVD cover, anyway. And in Shanghai, the DVD covers are often more entertaining than the movies they come with.That’s what this part of the website celebrates.
Some fool with Photoshop obviously worked very hard on these masterpieces of misinformation. All the parts are there — title, photos, synopsis, cast, credits, the occasional critic’s quote or two — but it never quite adds up. If something is actually spelled correctly — and that’s a big if — it likely has nothing to do with the movie contained inside. At least the title is usually right … usually. I suppose this all makes some sense. Most people buying these DVDs read Chinese and nothing else, so any English letters and words are just there for show. But the errors occur so often, the wrongs so randomly, that getting it right would seem to be a much less time-consuming task.
Here’s hoping they never get it right.
And now to today’s DVD Doozie …
